Just because you are a single mom does not mean you are not allowed to have sexual relationships. You are a human being, a woman with desires and wants, whether you are heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t have relationships. Many single moms I know feel they shouldn’t have sexual relations with anyone because other people will look down on them. Don’t fall into that trap. It’s your life! It’s your body! Feel good about yourself.
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If you are using birth control pills, paying for them each month can be a heavy chunk out of a welfare or minimum wage cheque. A monthly packet of pills can cost up to $30. You can get birth control pills for $10 by visiting a local affiliate of Planned Parenthood. Free samples may also be available. You do need to make an appointment with one of their doctors.
Another form of birth control that is available to women is the Depo Provera injections. It lasts for three months and does have different side effects for individual women. Planned Parenthood charges $30 for the injection.
If your family doctor is sympathetic to your financial difficulties, s/he probably won’t mind supplying you with free samples of birth control pills for a few months. Remember, you have to tell people if you can’t afford something. They can usually help you.
VERY IMPORTANT!!! Certain prescription drugs and non-prescription drugs can lower the effectiveness of the birth control pill. Before taking any medication, check with your doctor to see if these drugs will lower the effectiveness of your birth control pills. If so, use another form of birth control while continuing the Pill for the rest of the month.
Any one of us can become infected with HIV (Human Immune deficiency Virus) which can lead to AIDS. HIV is passed from one person to another through blood, semen, or vaginal fluids. According to Health and Welfare Canada, there are three common ways you can get HIV; by having sex with an infected partner, sharing needles while injecting drugs, or being born of a mother who has the HIV infection.
The most common way for a woman in Canada to be infected is through sexual activity. Therefore it is very important that we protect ourselves during sexual intercourse.
Woman to woman transmission of the HIV virus through sexual contact is possible and has been documented. Lesbians who have a history of male sexual partners, have used injection drugs, have had contact with infected female partners, or who have used artificial insemination with unscreened semen, may have become infected with HIV. The greatest risk of contracting the HIV virus exists during a woman’s period. Therefore, you should consider using a latex barrier or a dental dam when engaging in oral sex. Also, if you have cuts on your hands, consider using latex gloves when touching your partner’s genital area. Maybe you will feel like “Dr. Sex” and laugh yourself silly at this idea. But it’s better to have fun while practicing safe sex than to shun the whole idea as uncool and end up paying the price for it!
The most common method of protection during heterosexual sex is to use a condom during intercourse. Buy your own condoms and learn how to use them. If your partner does not want to use a condom, think twice about having sex with him. You won’t die from lack of sex (honest!) but you may die from unprotected sex.
Another method of protecting yourself from HIV infection and STDs is the use of spermicidal cream, foam or jelly. The spermicidals contain a chemical which kills the bacteria carrying certain STDs and the HIV. However, the effectiveness of this method has been widely disputed and argued over amonth health officials.
To ensure your protection, consider using
both a condom and spermicidal cream. After all, women who have been faced
with an unplanned pregnancy know first-hand the failure rates of condoms.
If condoms can’t ensure protection from pregnancy, then I wouldn’t
rely on them to completely protect me from AIDS.
If you find that, despite practicing birth control, you are pregnant, the first thing to remember is DON’T BLAME YOURSELF! Birth control methods are far from infallible and blaming yourself will only deplete your confidence at a time when you really need to be strong. You have some tough decisions ahead of you.
If you are considering having an abortion, you may want to talk to someone about it. Besides talking with your friends, you may want to talk to someone who is trained in this area. You may want to talk to your local hospital to see if they offer abortion services.
Many women in Nova Scotia choose to go to the Queen Elizabeth II Health Sciences Centre Termination of Pregnancy Unit (TPU) as therapeutic abortions done there are paid for by MSI and there is less chance of anti-choice protesters harassing you. The following is a short description of what happens when you go to the TPU:
When you arrive at the Centennial building of the QEII, you will check in at Admitting and then a porter will bring you upstairs to the clinic. The area is locked securely and is very private. After checking in at the reception, there is a waiting room with two sets of chairs facing each other. If it makes you nervous being in the room with other women, it is possible for you to wait in another room if one becomes available.
After talking with a nurse for a half hour session, the doctor sees you to discuss any questions. There are two female and two male doctors, so you do have a choice.
There is a private bathroom for you to change into the Johnny shirt and robe. There is also a locker room to store your stuff in and a couch to lie down on.
A door divides the waiting and procedure areas from each other. The surgery room is large and bright, a very modern looking hospital room.
After the abortion is completed, the recovery room is just down the hall. There are four reclining chairs where you will wait and recuperate for usually between 35-45 minutes. They will give you Tylenol and something to eat. You do not have to leave until you are ready, but when you are, a porter will escort you back downstairs.
Counselors are available before and after the abortion, if you need to talk. The clinic does not turn anyone away, unlike other private clinics, where they have limits of how many patienets they will see in a day. If it’s a last minute emergency, they will fit you in, but they do have a 15 week cut-off date, when they will no longer perform an abortion. You must still have a referral from a doctor and the appointment must be pre-booked.
You can call the TPU clinic at 473-7072. The number of the TPU counselor is 473-4078.
Remember, it’s okay to change your
mind at the last minute. You are not an awful person for choosing to have
an abortion and you are not a weak person for changing your mind and going
through with the pregnancy. “Choice” is the key word to keep
in mind.
You can also call the Morgentaler Clinic on McCully Street in Halifax
at 455-9865. They also have a staff of trained workers who will talk to
you about the abortion procedure. They will not pressure you to have an
abortion, no matter what the anti-choice people say in the media. The
atmosphere is relaxed. The staff there are very supportive and there are
women who will escort you through the protestors if they are out that
day. On the other hand, abortions performed there are not fully covered
by MSI. You will be required to pay $400 to $650, plus an extra $100 if
you are from out of province. Give them a call and talk with them about
your situation.
The people whom call themselves “pro-life,” are not for “life” at all. They may plead and beg with you to carry through with your pregnancy, but they will not be there for you when you need them. When you are sick and the child(ren) are sick and you really need some help, they will not be around. When the welfare or pay cheques do not stretch far enough to cover food, shelter, and clothing, they will not be there with a fist-full of cash. In my experience working for the rights of welfare mothers, I have not seen any “pro-life” people carrying pickets or signing petitions for the rights of single mothers on welfare. And as an unwed mother, I have not had any of these people on my doorstep with congratulations and offers of help for going through with my pregnancy. Instead, I have had these people call me names and give me lectures about why I should have given my child up for adoption to a “good” family.
Some “pro-life” people such as church organizations, have set up clothing depots and food banks. On a short-term basis these are appreciated. However, food banks and such do not relieve poverty. It is the responsibility of our government to work for all people, and food banks take that responsibility out of the government’s hands. It keeps poor people in poverty by not addressing the root of the problem of poverty.
If “pro-life” people were really for life, they would have been out in massive numbers protesting against the war in Iraq. Many, many people died because of that war. Where were the “pro-lifers” to protest against the killing of already born and lived and loved people? Where are the “pro-lifers” to protest against the mass murders of people by US supported authoritarian regimes in Latin America? Where are the “pro-lifers,” when work is needed to end the massive starvation of people in places such as sub-Saharan Africa?
“Pro-life” people are not for life at all but for the control of women’s bodies. They want to decide what you can and cannot do with your body. It is also amazing how many of these “pro-life” people change their minds about abortion when they themselves are involved in an unplanned pregnancy. My daughter’s father, who considered himself a “pro-lifer,” changed his mind real fast when I became pregnant. So don’t let them make decisions on your life, your body. You must take control of your life. You will be the one taking the responsibility. You will be the one doing the work. You must make decisions for yourself!
If you are a single mom on assistance, you are supposed to call your case worker and let him or her know. S/he may be a bit nasty, or s/he may be very pleasant, or s/he may not particularly care.
If you are a single mom on welfare, you will find the Department of Community Services has put a number of rules and regulations on your sex life. Some people call these the “Man In the House” rules, I call them the “Pecker Detector” or the “Penis Police” rules. These rules continue to be enforced despite a legal decision from January, 1994, which declares the “man in the house rule” to be unconstitutional.
The Pecker Detectors are people within the Department of Community Services, who check our houses or apartments to make sure that there isn’t a penis over eighteen years old living with or even being friends with us. A neighbour could also be the one to call Community Services and tell on you if they don’t like you or want to get even over something. So watch out.
The Pecker Detector rules are remarkably similar to that of a pimp over his prostitutes. Besides the obvious similarity that both the government and the pimp exploit women for their own gain, let us look at the parallels. Like a pimp, the government wants to keep us isolated and alienated from each other. They do this by forcing some of us to spy and give information about each other. The government, like a pimp, assumes that if we are having sex with a man then we must be getting money for it. The government, like a pimp, wants a cut of the action. If the government thinks we are having sex without its permission, it cuts off our money to punish us.
These Pecker Detector rules are extremely sexist. Policy makers in the Department of Community Services assume that if we have sex with a man then he must be supporting us. There is no “Woman in the House” rule for single fathers on welfare (not that I think they should have a corresponding rule such as this over their heads too).
This rule is also heterosexual as it implies that women sleep only with men. If you are involved in a lesbian relationship, I would like to be able to encourage you to be proud of yourself and enjoy your sexuality. Unfortunately, many women in relationships with other women feel they must hide their sexuality. Certain people within the various institutions of authority, such as the Department of Community Services, our so-called justice system, and the child protection agencies think lesbians are mentally twisted and need to be “cured.” They will be harder on us as lesbian single mothers than they are on us as heterosexual single mothers. Your sexuality is your business and your body is your own.
Regardless of whether we are lesbian or heterosexual single mothers, the Department of Community Services does not believe we should have sex. No other part of Canadian Society does not believe we should have sex. No other part of Canadian Society would tolerate this invasion of privacy. We will not either. We will have sex with another consenting adult if we choose. We will control our own bodies. We will fight like hell if our case worker or government tries to tell us we are not allowed to control our bodies. To resist these rules which violate our rights, we will chare our situations and organize with other single mothers and with other oppressed peoples. As Lillian Allen sings, “And I fight back!”
The following is a list of organizations that will provide you with information about birth control:
Planned Parenthood Metro Clinic,
6009 Quinpool Rd, Suite 201, Halifax, NS B3K 5J7
455-9656
Pictou Country Women’s Centre
Box 964, New Glasgow, NS B2H 5K7
755-4647
Cumberland County Family Planning Association
12 LaPlance St, Box 661, Amherst, NS B4H 4B8
667-7500
Second Story Women’s Centre
12 Dominion St, Bridgewater, NS B4V 2W6
543-1315
Morgentaler Clinic
5730 McCully St, Halifax, NS B3K 1R3
455-9865
The following organizations also provide information and support:
AIDS Coalition of Nova Scotia
1657 Barrington St, #321, Halifax, NS B3J 1H1
429-7922
Avalon Centre
(formerly the Service for Sexual Assault Victims)
5570 Spring Garden Rd, #507, Halifax, NS B3J 1H6
422-4240