“Domestic Violence” is a polite term to cover up the real meaning; men beating women and children. “Battered wife” gives us the impression that the wife is the problem. We are not. The problem is that our society allows male violence to happen. We have to look at the truth of the lives of abused women and not hide behind polite phrases.

This chapter was written especially for abused women. There are so many of us in the world. Perhaps you are in an abusive situation right now and are considering getting out of it. Maybe you have just escaped from an abusive relationship and you are wondering what to do now.

The first thing you must do is remove any guilt you may be feeling. Recognize the fact that no one deserves the abuse which your partner has been giving you. You may be suffering from sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse, or a combination of these. Read over the following definitions and check out how many apply to your relationship.

Physical Abuse: Abuse which involves a woman being struck with a fist or weapon, kicked, slapped, bones broken, eyes blackened, hair pulled, cuts, bruises, teeth knocked out. Or it can be more subtle, such as pinching, pushing, confining you to a room or the house, etc.

Sexual Abuse: Abuse which involves a woman being forced to participate in any sexual act which she does not wish to be a part of or finds distasteful.

Mental/Emotional Abuse:

• Forced Isolation – not allowed to see family and friends; locked in or out; allowed in or out at specific times.
• Constant Humiliation – sarcasm, insults, attacks on your self-esteem.
• Degradation – nothing you do is right; constantly telling you that you are crazy, that no one will love you, that you are not good enough, etc.
• Trivial Demands – keeps you on your toes doing things he could easily do but won’t.
• Deliberate Inconsistency – “today it’s okay, tomorrow it’s not”.
• Scapegoating – blaming you for something he has done wrong; blaming you if anything goes wrong.
• Accusations of Sexual Cheating – accusing you of coming on to other men.
• Threats – physical (such as threatening to harm your family) and emotional (threatening to kill himself).
• Verbal Assault – ranting, raving, cursing, and swearing.
• Destroying Things – breaking and throwing things that are valuable to you.
• No Communication – isolation and control; ignoring your emotional needs.
• Emotional Distance – no intimacy; sexual withdrawal; no emotional support or contact.
• Financial Abuse – withholding money so you cannot buy necessities.

If you have found that one or more of these forms of abuse apply to you, then you must decide whether you want to get out of the relationship. You can get out of the relationship slowly if you are unsure of yourself. You can call your local transition house just to talk, perhaps to get some advice. Most transition houses have a support group which you may want to go to for a while. When you decide to take the children and leave the relationship, you will need to know where to go for help.

First call the transition house you plan on going to. They cannot come to your house and pick you up because doing so may place the workers in danger. For example, twice I have gone to women’s homes to take them to a transition house when the husband wasn’t supposed to be there. Both times the man came home. This situation is extremely dangerous for you and for the woman who is helping you.

If you need someone to take you to the transition house immediately, either you or a worker from the transition house can call the local police or RCMP. The police or RCMP may not go into your home if firearms are involved, instead they will call in the Emergency Response Team. Insist on whatever action is necessary to get you and the children out if there is danger of physical violence from your husband. After all, this is what our enforcement teams are supposed to specialize in.

Perhaps the most effective method of escape is for you to wait until your partner is out of the house. Then quickly pack up yourself and your children, phone the transition house, and have a worker meet you at a safe place such as a coffee shop or a friend’s house. If you do not have time to pack, transition houses will often have clothes and supplies available for you.

When you arrive at the transition house, you should find the workers to be very helpful and supportive. The Transition House Association of Nova Scotia adopted a “Mission Statement on Advocacy” in which the workers agreed to a method of feminist advocacy. The following is their statement:

Feminist advocacy is an ongoing process which supports, assists, and empowers women – individually and collectively – to take action to ensure fair and equitable treatment for all women in our society.

This process enables women to find and use their voice(s) to express their needs, concerns, wants, aspirations, and the reality of their experience within a patriarchal culture.

This definition of advocacy is an overriding principle determining all program design and implementation in both Transition Houses and Women’s Centres.

Don’t be put off by the “F” word – feminism. Many people feel unreasonably threatened by feminists. However, feminists are simply women who are independent and wish to support and help other women. We are not a bunch of bitter, man-hating women who think we are superior to men and try to push “women’s lib” down people’s throats. Heck, most of us don’t even wear army boots!

Getting back to the transition house – when you arrive at the house, the transition worker will immediately do an intake interview. You and a worker will fill out a transition house Intake Form in which you will be asked about the forms of abuse you have suffered, your partner’s history of abuse, and such. The workers will also need to know your family doctor’s name, your MSI number, and who to contact in an emergency.

Your children will also do a transition house Child Intake Interview with the worker. Part of the interview will be done with you and part of the interview will be done by the worker alone with your child. Mostly the worker will want to talk with your child(ren) about his or her relationship with you and your partner and just generally talk to the child about how they are feeling about the situation.

After what feels like a zillion questions and forms (which are all necessary), you and your child(ren) will be given a room and some space to get oriented.

The first thing you must do as soon as you can is get a custody order for the children. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

If you do not do this, your partner can take your children away from you and there’s nothing the police or anyone can do. You can get the custody order by calling your local family court and explaining that you have left an abusive relationship and taken the children with you to a transition house. They will give you an appointment to see an intake worker, who will do an intake interview with you and set a Family Court date for a hearing. This should all happen within a few days.

If you are in Halifax, Dartmouth, or Cape Breton, you have to make an appointment with a duty worker at the Supreme Court/Family Division if it’s an emergency. As a regular appointment, it may take a while for you to see a worker because they are trying to keep you out of court as long as possible. The best things to do are call or go down there and explain your situation. You will also need to set up a legal aid appointment for your separation agreement and for child support and custody arrangements.

Transition houses do fundraising each year so they can afford to let women in these situations stay at the house and out of the abusive relationship. No abused woman is ever turned away.

In some counties the transition house will only be paid for three or four days of your stay. Three or four days are simply not enough for the emotional and physical readjustment you will be going through. Again, transition houses raise money for this purpose. Stay out of the abusive relationship.

Your stay at the transition house may be a couple of days or a couple of weeks. When you have an apartment ready and you decide it is time to leave the transition house, there are a few things you may have to do before you go.

If you do not have a paying job, you will need to apply for Social Assistance! (See the chapter on Social Assistance.) You must have an apartment or house ready to go to before you will receive a cheque

You should have no trouble getting social assistance unless you have above the amount of money you are supposed to. But, if for instance you do not have access to your bank account because your partner has frozen your account, Community Services will give you emergency money. Make sure you ask for this help.

Remember to write down all the names of different caseworkers, social workers, transition house workers, legal aid workers, and whoever else you have dealt with. Write down which department or organization they work for. Write down the dates they called, what they called about and keep the letters they send you. It can get really confusing with all these different people coming at you, and these records can be very helpful to you in the future. Despite all the bureaucratic hassle, no woman should ever try to make herself or her children endure an abusive relationship because of the so-called “family ethic” which our society promotes as the only acceptable type of family. Our justice system is not very harsh with men who abuse and/or murder their partners, so don’t count on them to enforce the law or save your children. Only you can do that by taking control of your life and getting out of that relationship at the first opportunity.

To find a transition house in your area, look in the Numbers to Know section at the back of this book.